PAIN IN MY LIFE….

{”So much pain in my life”}
You feel this pain I’ve been havin’
Wouldn’t lead to much change
Cuz down here, not much changed
Cause everybody wanna thug, man
{”So much pain in my life”}
If you knew the pain I sustained
Just from lettin’ my gun bang
If you would pump your breaks young man
You’d jump in the other lane

LYRICS BY SAIGON

I recently just bandaged a huge wound that has been inflicted in my life. I thought I was in love and I thought I was happier than ever boyfriend. I had the boy of my dreams: all-star bball player, FINE, funny, loving, caring, dependable, strong, and someone that I invested my whole life in.

2003 & 2004…We had the picture perfect relationship. I was his cheerleader he was my star and I loved every minute of it. I loved the attention I got from other girls because they wish they were in my spot. He picked me up from school, drove me EVERYWHERE, bought me things, and definitely took care of me. After a year of everything being dreamy things went downhill and never went back up. It started with us fighting about little things all the time. “Why didn’t I answer my phone…why was I sleeping so long…why this, why that?” Then he graduated; that summer was the best summer of my life I spent every waking moment with him. I realized I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He left and I still had one year left of high school but I knew that everything would work out because I was in love right??.

2004 & 2005…He was paranoid all the time. The questions came back up again: “Why don’t you answer my phone calls…who are you with…such & such saw you with so & so explain…you should stay home tonight to talk to me on the phone…who is that in the background” It was annoying and extremely frustrating it seemed like my lover had lost trust in me once he wasn’t beside me all the time. He came home for a few days Christmas break (bball season was in progress) and then I had to go visit him instead. The whole rush of applying for college, living out my senior year, and graduating made me really busy, things were always hectic, and made him even more paranoid. It was the end of the summer he was home but I was leaving for college. I told him I would call him every moment of the day and definitely would not replace him.

Fall 2005…we were both in college but at least 24 hours apart. It was hard he had serious trust issues and was extremely paranoid. It came to the point where he couldn’t focus on school anymore so he dropped out (which he still blames me for) and went back to Amarillo to work/being a bum/hustle/worry about me 24/7. I came home for the first time the whole year during Thanksgiving break to a warm embrace of seeing my boyfriend who I hadn’t seen since August. WE WERE BACK TO THE ORIGINAL STATE & my love grew stronger for him. When I got to back to UT…him & school were my main priorities. I got good morning & good night phone calls. We would fall asleep on the phone together…aww it was so cute! I knew with Christmas break coming up it was at least a month of being with my future (what i would call him). Christmas break he was shady really shady like he was always hiding something. (HE WAS CHEATING BUT I DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT IT)

Spring 2006…He was still shady. He would call, talk for 2 secs, say I’ll call you right back, but then call 2-3 hours later. He could never talk on the phone saying he was always with his friends. He made me cry often. I remember on Valentine’s Day when I had to remind him to say “Happy Valentine’s Day” to me. I cried the whole day because I was confused and kept asking myself what did I do or what was I not doing. I went home that weekend for Valentine’s Day…it was weird and the girl called during our “date”…hmm I was suspicious. Spring Break once again I went home missing out on the time with my friends because I was overly obsessed with a dude. We broke up I was crushed and stayed in my bed the entire weekend. He tried to get mad at me because of what someone wrote on my MYSPACE!!! Ridiculous! The Saturday before I was about to leave we got back together. (During the whole ordeal my best friend, twin, brother, sister, & others told me how stupid I was for falling for him and what he does to me…did i believe them NO and I was soo close to end many of friendships…) Then I came home for the summer when disaster struck! The girl & I finally met face-to-face one day when he was playing basketball at the park. I slapped him and told him not to ever speak to me again. Then I met Isaiah AWWW (also one of his close friends) he definitely saved me from all the drama that would continue that summer.

I left out many parts to this story because I’m not ready to tell the world about it. I emailed this story to my twin and she said no you’re lying to yourself about what really happened. SO HERE’S THE TRUTH. Besides the fact the he cheated on me he was abusive: mentally, emotionally, and physically. The first incident: I was in high school (we went to different schools) and I was walking to class with one of my friends. Somehow he got up there and wants to get mad about something so I continued to walk off and he pushed me down the stairs. I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life and there was a sudden shock on everyone’s faces. I didn’t speak to him for awhile cuz I was so upset and he “promised” that he wouldn’t do it ever again. It continued. I listen to comments other people make saying, “why didn’t you leave?” You have to understand the stronghold of love and what the person is going through. He made me feel low like I was the most worthless & ugliest person in the world and I was so lucky to have him because without him no one would want me. I kept him so someone would want me. I put up with his evil words, punching, kicking, pushing, and screaming because I felt like he was the only one who wanted me. I was able to keep it a secret for a long time from my friends. They would see the bruises and I would make excuses about them. My best friend always asked me why I looked so sad all the time and I always tried to shrug it off. I covered up my pain with smiles…I didn’t think anyone could understand what I was actually going through. We would fight when we were around people but we would either go outside or somewhere to continue… One day we were all hanging out at my friend Akeem’s house and he said something and somehow we started fighting again. We walked out to his car and he pushed me down and kicked me, my best friend saw this and got really upset then they started getting into it. Once my friends found out I kept making excuses for him saying, “I just keep making him mad…I’m not paying enough attention to him….I’m not doing things right”. It came to the point where my friends didn’t want to be around me anymore and the fact that he was cheating on me that I had to let him go.

So anyone would think after the break up the situation would be over. Obviously you’re a person who doesn’t know me very well because when I’m in love and deeply attached to a person I don’t want to let them go even though I need to. We talked back & forth and he always tried to get back together with me but I couldn’t let that happen and my best friend definitely wouldn’t let that happen. I tried to be cool with him but that didn’t work he would follow me, threatened to mess up my car, and still continued to harass me. So I continued just “being cool” with my ex. We would hang out from time to time and things were looking up for the friendship we were trying out. (PRETTY MUCH WE WERE DATING BUT NOT LETTING ANYONE KNOW ABOUT IT). Yes Austin & Koke we were dating I’m sorry still love me tho!!! So lets rewind and I’ll remind you of his close friend, Isaiah that saved me during the breakup….we continued talking/hanging out…yes while I was doing whatever with my ex and we decided summer 2007 we were going to date/try things out and see what happened between us.

Summer 2007 I avoided him as much as possible because I was with my new thing, Isaiah! I’m Miss Black Amarillo 2006 & 2007 so I came home for Juneteenth to ride in the parade and participate in the Juneteenth events. At the park my ex came up to me and asked why I had been ignoring him I tried to walk off and instead he pushed me down while I had my baby (I was babysitting) in my hands. Somehow he and Isaiah got into a fight because that definitely wasn’t cool. During my birthday weekend I ran into my ex AGAIN. We were all hanging out at the park and my ex & his friends decided to come up there also. He wanted to talk to me so I told Akeem, Peanut, & Kolby to watch me go over and talk to him. We were conversing and he started blowing up about whatever it was and I tried to walk off then he grabbed me and put a gun to my head. The most dramatic moment of my life because I thought my life was over and saw a white light. Luckily one of his friends runs over and tells him to chill out. And then he left. I was soo scared. I cried and wouldn’t leave my house. So instead of taking my life he decides to “slash my tires”. He actually attempted and just put slices in my tires so they would explode luckily APD caught him and he paid for all of this. Later in the summer I lost all contact with him. After the gun incident I realized I don’t want him in my life at all if he was that crazy. He would blow up my phone drive by my house and it got to the point where I lost contact with everyone that he was cool with and my friends knew to stay away from him. We were hanging out at my house and my mom told me to get something from her car. I walked outside and out of nowhere comes my ex in a mad rage screaming and he beat me up…bad. I think this was the worst of all times. Austin realized I was taking too long and went outside to see me on the ground being kicked over & over & over again. I went to the hospital and requested a restraining order (which would later make him go crazy even more).

After this the contact continued…restraining orders don’t really do shit…and he beat me up one more time during Christmas break, harassed me, and pushed me to the edge where I had to let others besides the police get involved. I decided to press charges (which I feel really bad about) and let my friends handle it. After this weekend thank you bes bes & Brodderick I’m happy to say this boy is and will no longer be apart of my life. He taught me much. He taught me how to love, what love really is, how to be strong and stand up for myself, and also how to take action when I’m in danger. It took me awhile to figure it all out but I’m happy to say I’ve proud of the person I’ve become after this whole ordeal.

So in the end of my long love story of Carissa & KB I want to say it has ended forever over and I’m definitely excited for the new chapter God is putting in my life.

PS-Kyler I pray for you every night that somehow you’ll get better & fixed and go back to your old ways when you weren’t paranoid & violent. God Bless You in all things he takes you through…they’re lessons you need to learn.

HIM